Where no one has gone before

 

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Paramount might not know what they've got on their hands, but we do.

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NPC: In this crypt slumbers our old swordmaster, a legendary fighter who has terrorized our sword school for generations and ...

Esmerantha: Yeah, yeah, ancient vampire mini-boss, got it. BRB.

NPC: But ... w-wait ... my line ....

Izzy: Sorry about that. She gets like this after a long day of questing. After saving the world a couple times, your patience for side quest texts would wear thin, too.

Boom!!! Crack!!! Zapp!!!

Esmerantha: Done.

Izzy: Es, you got something stuck to your cheek there. Is that ancient vampire ash?

Esmerantha: Did I get it?

Izzy: Here, let me.

Esmerantha: Thanks, Izzy.

NPC: You seem to have plenty of patience to spare for your companion's flavor text there.

Esmerantha: Excuse you, are you voiced by Laura Bailey?

NPC: ...

Esmerantha: Didn't think so.

Izzy: Be nice, Es.

Esmerantha: Yes, dear.

Alexa's Armory: Utility Items

Rod of Redirection

Wondrous Item, rare

The rod takes the form of a double-headed dildo and has three charges. As a reaction, you can expend a charge when you are targeted by a spell effect. The rod absorbs any incoming damage from a spell, then releases it as a caustic, sticky jizz that hits a random part of your exposed skin. The jizz causes acid damage equal to half the damage (rounded down) that the original spell damage would have caused.

The item regains one charge daily at dawn.

Collar of Submission

Wondrous Item, very rare

Can only be used by two sentient creatures together. The creature wearing the collar becomes the sub while the creature holding the chain becomes the dom.

As an action, the dom can command the sub to do any action of the dom's choice during the sub's next turn that doesn't directly harm the sub. The sub can attempt a DC 30 Charisma Saving Throw to disobey the order. Any failed save decreases the DC by 2 for any subsequent attempt. If successful, the collar breaks and is destroyed forever.

While wearing the collar, the sub is resistant to acid and poison damage and immune to the poisoned condition. If the sub has not attempted to disobey a command for at least three days, the resistance to acid and poison damage becomes immunity to acid and poison damage.

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Paladin: Guys, I think it's really neat the strategies you come up with. But I feel kinda bad that you're always spending the party gold on magic items for me. Don't you want some magic items for yourself?

Fighter: What are you saying? You're our tank. Making sure you stay on your feet benefits us all.

Rogue: Quite right. Now put on the collar, bitch. And remember not to struggle, or the strategy will only be half as effective.

Paladin: Well, alright.

Wrong Side of the Server

You wanna play on my server, you little paladin whore?

You're not even max level for your silly pen & paper game. There's only one place for little bitches like you: Party Cumdump!

Give her the Kalimdor Welcome, boys!

Hahahaha! Yeah, show me that dumb human bitch face with a load of orc and troll jizz all over you while you have a fat minotaur cock up your ass! Priceless! Remember to give Proudwhore our regards after we drop your dumb ass off at the nearest Alliance camp. Tell her she's next.

Alexa's Armory: Armor

Headband of the Vampire Bunny

Wondrous Item, Headgear, uncommon

When consuming the reproductive fluids of a creature, the wearer gains temporary HP equal to the target's level. Temp HP gain is doubled while within the confines of a tavern or similar establishment.

Armor of Bimbofication

Cursed Item, requires attunement by a paladin of non-evil alignment

A sinister-looking set of black plate armor which animates into a lust-filled magic construct at night. (Use the Dullahan stat block.)

During the day, this armor acts as +1 magical plate armor (19 AC) with the strength requirement removed. Additionally, wearing the armor confers resistance to slashing, piercing and bludgeoning damage.

During the night, the armor comes to life and begins having sex with the user. (AC and resistance is removed at this time as the armor is not being worn, and another armor cannot be equipped.) The user must make the armor climax three consecutive times using their body. (DC 12 Constitution Saving Throw.) On a failed save, the user passes out, taking a point of exhaustion, and their Intelligence score is permanently reduced by 1 due to being fucked dumb. The armor cannot be removed, unattuned or the Intelligence score restored except by the use of a Remove Curse or similar spell cast by someone other than the user.

If the user's Intelligence score hits 0, roll a DC 25 Charisma Saving Throw. On a failure, the target becomes a mindless fucktoy and flesh puppet of the armor under the GM's control. This effect can only be reversed via the use of a Wish Spell or a successful Divine Intervention.

On a success, the soul of the angelic being trapped inside the armor is purified and the curse is broken. The paladin regains all lost Intelligence score, and all points of exhaustion are removed. Ask your GM to exchange this card for the Armor of Divine Release.

Armor of Divine Release

Sentient Armor, requires attunement by a paladin of non-evil alignment

A gleaming plate armor of blue steel with platinum trim that leaves the breasts and thighs exposed.

When worn, this armor acts as +1 magical plate armor (19 AC) with the strength requirement removed.

As a bonus action, the paladin can cast any spell from the paladin spell list with a casting time of 1 bonus action through the armor as long as the paladin has a high enough spell slot to do so. When casting a spell in this way, the spell slot is not consumed. If it is a concentration spell, the armor itself maintains concentration rather than the paladin.

If the user engages in sexual acts with one or more creatures without interruption for a full hour, the paladin as well as any other creatures that participated gain the effect of the Heroes' Feast spell. This feature can only be used once every seven days.

Additionally, while wearing the armor, the paladin can engage in sexual acts with a creature or item. By expending a use of their Channel Divinity, the paladin can cast the effect of either a Remove Curse or Greater Restoration spell on the target. Climaxing while wearing this armor removes all exhaustion.

Sentience: The armor is inhabitated by the soul of an angelic being which can telepathically communicate with the user. After being freed from its curse, this being's soul has become intertwined with its savior and taken on some of their traits, enhancing them while the armor is attuned.

Likes to Watch: For the purposes of the Exhibitionist Confidence trait only, the user counts as not wearing armor.

Abyssal Reciprocity: While the Eldritch Booty Call ability is active, the duration of the effect is extended to 2 hours, and the angelic being can take on a physical form. (Use the Planetar stat block.)

Divine Striptease: The armor can be asked to remove or equip itself. Doffing or donning the armor takes one action rather than the normal amount of time.

Generations, Part 1

Korra: Stop holding back, you two! Come at me with all you've got.

Kasumi: ... You're kinda scaring us, mom.

Katara: Yeah, we're not like you. We don't enjoy fighting the way you do.

Korra: ... (relaxes) I'm sorry, girls. I didn't mean to frighten you.

Kasumi: What's gotten into you lately, mom? You never used to go this hard during sparring.

Korra: ... (sigh) I guess you're old enough to hear this. When you were both too young to remember, someone came into our home and tried to take you. Being the Avatar's daughters, there's always the danger that someone might try to get to me through you. I don't want to make you do things you don't want to do, and I don't want to make the same mistakes your grandparents made. I just need to know that you can both defend yourselves and each other if I'm not there to protect you.

Kasumi: I understand. Personally, I always enjoyed having this time with you, seeing as your duties take you away from home so often.

Katara: Yeah, me too. Just ... don't go all Avatar on us?

Korra: (smiles) Deal.

Asami: Come inside, you three! Dinner is almost ready!

Korra: Be right there, love!

Kasumi: Hey, if you're worried about us, aren’t you scared of someone coming after Mama Asami? Unlike us, she's not a bender.

Korra: (snort-chuckles) Are you kidding? Your mother could wipe the floor with any bender any day of the week. You should've seen the guy who tried to abduct you after she was through with him.

Katara: WHAT!? Mama Asami can fight?

Korra: Hm, maybe for the next sparring session, we make it the whole family.